All things new

Have you ever had one of those days where all you can think about on the drive home is how fast you can get home and crawl into bed? Ugh.. that was me yesterday, and the bummer thing about it was I couldn't do that!! I have to say as I was in bed (finally) last night I was trying to put my finger on why the day was a "bad" day, and I couldn't. I had been called in to sub in one of my favorite areas, so that was fun, everyone at work was in a good mood, my own kids had a pretty chill night without any friends over or various activities for me to run them to, and things were running pretty smoothly. But I was on edge all night, and I just don't know why.

When I get these little funks about me it is really easy to fall into a "poor me" mentality, and it takes a lot of personal determination not to do that. Honestly I get scared the mood won't pass and it is a horrible way to feel. It's one of those moods when no matter what advice or cheering your friends give you nothing is going to change it, you are just in a sucky frame of mind.

I set my alarm for 6am this bright Saturday morning, because I had a bunch of chores and homework I put off because of my funky mood the night before. Well, needless to say I overslept until almost 8am!! WOW! And little secret, the kids are still sleeping too! It felt nice to get some much needed rest that I think my body was craving, but the first thing I realized was my funky funk was GONE.. YAY!

When I was getting my coffee ready the verse "he makes all things new" just kept coming to me, and I smiled. I am so thankful for the fact that the Lord gives me a do over sometimes, that every morning is a new day, every morning is a fresh start, and every morning I get the chance to change my attitude from the day before.

This morning I am thankful that I can move forward with my day with a happy heart and know that it is because of my Savior that I have the choice to make my day new!

Revelations 21:5 "Behold I make all things new..."

Time? What is that?

I can't think of one person that I know that hasn't said these words, " if only there were more hours in a day". One of our biggest challenges is not having enough time to do all that we want and have planned in our minds. For me personally I feel as if some days could use at least 1 or 2 more hours in them, and I know some of you agree!

Hebrews 13:5 says, "Be content with what you have", and I have always thought of that verse as a guidance in my life with material things, but just recently have been applying that verse in the matter of my daily activities. I have decided to approach my daily life being content with what I have. Remembering that the Lord is giving me only so many hours in the day for a reason is a good thing for me. Sometimes we over commit or over do more then we should because we feel this need of have to's in our lives. Why is that?

Time is temporal, that is another hard reality to swallow for some of us. We get so caught up in all the things we wish we had time for or wishing we had more time for things we want to do, that we tend to forget that time is an earthly thing! It could be gone tomorrow, then what? Realizing that I for one need to take a deep breath and accept that there are only so many hours in a day, and really do I need to fill every single one of them, was a huge acceptance for me.

This last weekend I had the incredible opportunity to pray with singer/songwriter Steven Curtis Chapman, yes it was incredible. But in his prayer he said something that struck a huge chord with me, he said "he looks forward everyday to heaven more and more because he knows that there will be no time." Hearing him say that was like a punch in the gut, because it hit me again how temporal this word and feeling of time is. When we get to heaven there will be enough time for everything, time to sit and visit with the ones we have missed and loved, enough time to ask Jesus ALL those questions, and bottom line just enough time.

We have been called to treat others as Jesus would, called to make our homes Heavenly homes, but if we put such a focus on time and how much we have are we really doing that? Would we tell Jesus we only had a 30 minute slot for him if he wanted to spend time with us one day in the flesh? Um NO! We would probably clear our entire week! So why do we limit ourselves and our time to those that love us and want to spend time with us here on earth? This is hard for me because I can be selfish with my time! Often if a friend calls me to do something I say no because I don't feel like giving up my "free" time! Seriously... time to do some soul searching here, would I tell Jesus no? Of course not.

If our homes are constantly stressed and jammed packed with activities and late nights, are we really making our homes a Heavenly home? Don't get me wrong I know some nights are just going to be like that, we have them too. But my point is if it is every single night what are we saying to our precious family and ourselves about our time? Are we carving out solid time for each other or are we "fitting" friends and more importantly our immediate family in? I know Jesus doesn't fit us in and I want to be more like him every day.

So my goal this week, and I would love it if you joined me, is to allow Jesus to show me what he has in store for my temporal time. I so look forward to the day when I can sit in Heaven and not even realize what time is, because there will be no more time... how glorious will that day be.

Ephesians 1:10
"As a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth"

Let the light in

I haven't blogged in months, and I almost decided not to because, well.. we will get to that in a minute. But honestly in the last few weeks all these thoughts have been thrown at me and I have just felt like I need to share them.This was confirmed last night when I heard a very amazing singer say, "Our brokenness and our pain, could very well be someone else's healing and comfort." This was an aha moment for me I guess you could say.

The last several months have been some of the darkest moments in my life, I got sucked into that dark so fast and it has taken quite some time to climb out of it. All I have been doing is dwelling on all that I have lost in the last 4 years, the loss of my son, the loss of the time I had with my other kids when he was sick, the loss of friends that I lost when my son died, the loss of family members, and then I would get sucked into the loss of the last 6 months. The loss of my marriage, the loss of my job, the loss of many friends over the past 6 months, the loss of my friendship I had with my spouse, and the list goes on and on. It was very easy for me to just get sucked into the loss of my life, and not be able to focus on what I haven't lost.

I will be the first to admit right here and now that I have been living such a drama, woe as me life for the last 6 months that it is no wonder that a few of my friends basically said " I don't have time for this, so see ya". At first my anger about that was, well let's just say, not healthy in any way. But then these past 6-8 weeks as I have come out of the dark place, I realize that I had a huge part in them pulling away. I was so focused on what I didn't have and how no one could possibly understand what I was going through that I quit focusing on what I did have and how these people in my life could help me through the hard time no matter if they understood or not.

Sparing you the gruesome details of how the Lord literally threw me on my knees and revealed my selfish, dark behavior to me, I will just say that it was a battle that I hope I never have to have with him again. But when that battle was over I emerged someone I thought was long gone. The first thing I did was call a friend I had met earlier this year who runs an amazing Christian Preschool and asked her for a job. She hired me on the spot as a call in sub, and keeps me busy probably 16-20 hours a week. Satan wants us lonely, dark, and afraid my friends, he loves it when we are there. It is when he can attack us at his full strength, he makes us think that no one is for us, that everyone is against us. He has the power to turn our own good thoughts against us, he has the power to make dark out of what little light is shining in our lives. It is up to US not to give him that power, that is easier said then done, but I KNOW it is possible.

The next thing I did was start visiting a new church that some previous parents had told me about, that was the best thing I have done in the last 6 months. I was welcomed with open arms from a pastor and congregation that love me and accept me no matter my faults or "divorced" status. Knowing that I am sitting amongst people that look at me with love instead of pity is a huge thing for me on Sunday mornings.

Then I made a new "schedule" for the kids and I, this was amazing and it has been working for the last 6-8 weeks so well. I will share this in a future blog post, its nothing huge but sometimes it is just finding the little things that work. This new schedule has made our lives so much easier and less hectic. Along with the new schedule I put my foot down with my ex and told him he had to start taking the kids every other weekend and once during the week. He agreed no problem, and even though I hate that this is our new schedule in life, I cherish the me time so much.

Finally, I accepted this new me. I prayed and I still pray every day for the Lords constant love to fill my heart with everything I do. I accepted that this is happening to me, and it may very well suck, but for whatever reason the Lord asked me to walk it, and I need to do so in a way that will glorify him. I fill my days with laughter, books that will uplift my heart, people that will encourage me, and a sense of peace that I didn't have before.

I truly hope that someday the people that I was nasty to in those dark hours will forgive me and come back into my life, I have no excuse for my actions, but it is what it is, and I am sorry for the hurt I caused when I felt the world was all about me. But that is the best part of being a Christian, I can stand in the mirror and say "boy did I blow that and I am truly sorry" and I know that my Savior will wrap his arms around me and say "child I forgive you and I love you". That is what has gotten me past the dark days, that is what brought me into the light, knowing that I have a Father in Heaven that loves me no matter what, is there for me no matter what, and will never ever leave me or forsake me.

"You are my lamp, O LORD; the LORD turns my darkness into light." 2 Samuel 22:29