Give me some color please!

Driving around during the spring and seeing all the beautiful spring flowers has always been a favorite of mine! I love the spring colors, and all the spring flowers just says HAPPY! I always wanted to plant colorful flowers at my house, but was told that it was silly to do so because since they were annuals they would just die so it was just a waste of money. The logic was sad to me, but in life you tend to choose your battles, so I never made a big deal over that one.

Well, over the weekend I went and bought me some color:) Oh I had the most fun at the garden place at Home Depot! Like a kid in the candy store! I found some beautiful flowers to put in some big beautiful pots. And I probably looked ridiculous with that big stupid smile on my face the whole time. The only time I had a little panic moment is when I had to put the big bag of potting soil in my cart, it was really heavy, but I did get in there, and when I got it out to my car a very nice older gentleman helped me put it in my car.

Yesterday after church while the kids were with their dad, and I was feeling more then a little sad, I opened that big bag of potting soil, breathed in the smell of the dirt, and planted me some color. Now as I sit here on this beautiful morning, coffee in hand, listening to the birds, and I look out on MY patio, I can finally admire MY beautiful spring color.

Life is what we make it folks, and I choose to make my life happy and colorful. Believe me I could really make it dark and gloomy, but really what good would that do anyone. Nope I choose to make it as vibrant as the purple verbena's I planted and as sunny as the daisies in my big beautiful pots. The Lord created all of these things for us to enjoy every day, not to just keep on a shelf for others to enjoy... remember that song "this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine". Go let your light or color shine today- I know I am. Have a great week- pray for me because I am going to pray for you.

Get me off this roller coaster please

I really hate not feeling in control of my life, it is my least favorite feeling. One minute I think I have it all under control and a plan and then the next minute I am flying down another dip, it is really quite ridiculous. But then I saw this quote last night before I went to bed "Faith is having the courage to let God have control." and something inside me just clicked.

From this moment on I have got to just start living my life the way he would want me to! Forget about what others think I should be or could be doing, forget about how I think I should be doing things, or how I think things "ought" to be, and just live each day by day. If I could just give up this false sense of me being in control I know without a doubt the Lord will do amazing things in my life. He has before and he will again.

I don't have to ride this roller coaster ride if I don't want to, I think Satan likes seeing us on that roller coaster, he likes seeing us get all twisted up inside and confused and not knowing what to do. When we get that way our eyes get off the Lord and we don't lean on him in our times of need.

So this morning I woke up, and as soon as the "well if I just did this..." thoughts came into my head, I banished them quickly, made a list of things I wanted to accomplish for my day, ordered Beth Moore's Breaking Free Bible Study for myself, drank a huge cup of coffee, said a long prayer, and now am going to start my day without thinking about the what if's and the what may be's. Because my what if's and my may be's are probably so very different then the Lords.

I have to trust in him in all things, particularly now, only he can soften the hearts of the ones around me, only he can lay the foundations of healing for me, and I have to be open to hearing him. If I get so busy in trying to ride this roller coaster of life, I won't ever be able to see his great plan for me.

"When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher then I." Psalm 61:2

Taking a deep breath

Sometimes it is so much better for ones mind to just take a step back and breathe, which can be so very hard to do. I am still so grateful for last weekend, just stepping away from the entire situation and getting a clear view on the whole dang lot of it was just what I needed. Sometimes when we feel like we are in the eye of the storm it is so hard to see where the storm begins and ends, and I feel I got to do that this past weekend.

My heart is so sad about my marriage, about my new life, and how my kids will be effected short and long term with all of this. But you can't live in sadness forever, even though at times it feels like a very safe place to be. I feel like sometimes I give myself false hope with what will come to be, and that isn't the best place to be either.

Letting go and let God be in charge of your life is really hard to do, especially for control freaks like me. I know his plans for me are greater then I can ever imagine, I know that no matter what I think is supposed to happen in my life that God is the ultimate planner, and I know that if I just be still and listen then it will all work in the way that glorifies God and his plans for me.

So for now, I am taking a deep breath, trying not to live in the eye of the storm, and mostly just trying to go with whatever way the wind blows me.

Target on my back

I just got back from the best 4 days ever!! So that is why I haven't been blogging- I was tempted to a couple of times but the Lord needed me to just be drenched in him for a few days.

My awesome 4 days started last Thursday the 18th when the kids and I traveled to the Bakersfield area to visit friends and celebrate my son's birthday, he would have been 24 this year. Hard to imagine he has already been gone from us for 4 years:( The kids and I knew this birthday would be hard with dad not around as well, so we headed south! We started the weekend off with a great visit with some nearest and dearest, good food, and lots of laughs. Then Friday morning I was off for a retreat with one of my bestest buds and other women I have known all of my life. For 3 days I was surrounded by people who loved me, adored me, and just lifted me up. Women that have been my mentors, women who have raised me up as a Christian, women that are deep friends of mine, and new this year the women I watched grow up with my oldest boy now there at this retreat as women of God and as new moms. It was a very special weekend indeed.

However, the devil knew how special it was going to be because let me tell you he did everything in his power to stop me from going from the day before I left to the last day of the trip. There was that intense anger episode in my previous blog, 2 yucky encounters with members of my family that had no reason to happen, feelings of guilt because I was spending a few days away from my kids, two horrible migraines while on the retreat, a horrible stomach ache one night, and the worst of all making me feel unworthy to stand in the presence of other Christian women.

But the Lord did prevail, and I had an amazing time. I got to visit with people I haven't seen in years, I got to be hugged and loved on by all my amazing mentors, I got to pray with people that love the Lord with all their hearts and souls, and I got to take care of me for a change.

I came back feeling very tired of course, but also feeling very blessed. I feel so much more at peace with my life, so much more content. Knowing that for what ever reason, which I don't know, the Lord has me in this storm, he knows why and one day that why will be shown to me. Even though I may not be able to see him at work here or I may not feel as though things are happening in my timing or in my way- his glory will prevail no matter what.

The speaker this weekend said "if we are doing what the Lord wants of us we are walking around with a big target on our backs for Satan". Wow- did I feel that way before and during this trip.  But I refuse to walk around scared of that target- I have a great big God that loves me and will take care of me- even when it feels like the target on my back is lit in flames.

Anger serves no purpose

Boy did I get my panties in a bunch today- and I really hate that I did, because anger doesn't serve any purpose. Words were said today, actions were done, and none of them were good in any way. It makes me mad that I acted and reacted, and then I get mad because I honestly feel like I have good reason to act and react darn it! But really what good is it doing but just making me feel yucky inside- he doesn't care how I felt afterwards, and even if he did I would never give him the satisfaction of knowing how he made me feel.

I was literally so upset by what happened today that I found myself typing this just so I can not be angry anymore, and as I type this it becomes clear to me that Satan himself is behind all this anger. He loves seeing us angry, he loves pitting us against one another, he loves getting us all riled up, and he loves to see us feel hurt and alone. I will not let him have that power over me, I refuse it. He sure is a sneaky little dude though let me tell ya, he got me good today and I wasn't prepared for it all.

Looking back I wish I would have handled my exchange today differently, I wish I could have felt the Lord by my side instead of giving in to the dark side, but what's done is done and I must move forward from here.

This whole situation is bringing out some yucky sides of both of us that I could have lived my whole life not seeing, but it is what it is and it is up to me to choose how I am going to handle it. I can either give in to the nasty side of things, or do what Jesus did, hate the sin but love the sinner.

Sanity

I seriously took my sanity for granted before all this happened, really I am not joking. I used to be a normal wife and mom that owned a business, worked part time at it, was involved in the Parent Teacher Club, shuffled the kids around, the house was always clean, and dinner was on the table every night. I am no longer that person- I mean honestly I think I scare people when they see me coming- I must have that wild insane look in my eye.

Now we are lucky we are all matching and wearing shoes when we leave the house in the morning, thankfully I have two very capable employees that are keeping my business afloat while I lose my mind, my car looks like we live in it, I swear the Parent Club president and my co leader of the Drama Club are going to ban me from the school, the house is anything BUT clean, and dinner- HAHA.. does cereal count?

Keeping it together is harder then one thinks, and I used to think I could juggle quite a few balls in the air. Now I am not only juggling balls, but also knives and fire sticks! Yesterday was a full 14 hours of insane, I left the house at 6:45am and was not home until well after 8pm. What.the.heck. My ex husband tells me that the kids are "too involved" and "I make too much work for myself". Funny he never said that when he was reaping the benefits of being part of our household! Ugh- frustrating.

Last night in the shower I had a nervous breakdown- no really I did- for some odd reason I look totally normal today so people don't believe me when I say that. So close your eyes and picture this- I leave at 6:45 for work, right when I get ready to leave baby girl starts puking again (awesome), get her set up for care in the car on my way to work, get to work and actually teach and appear to be productive, leave work and run errands (my family tends to need things like milk and toilet paper), got to a MUCH needed therapist appt, then go to a doctors appt for myself, then race to pick up my baby boy to take him to a 1 1/2 hour piano lesson, then rush to a planned dinner (and honestly I was glad I didn't have to cook!) come home and fight with baby girl about doing her homework that she has missed from being sick, fight with dogs, go through the mail, and when I say fight with baby girl I mean screaming, yelling, "you hate me", fighting- she is pre teen after all. I finally say at 9:15- I need 10 min in the shower and the whole time I am in the shower I hear them fighting with each other. That's when the dam broke- I couldn't hold it in any longer.

Here's the thing, when I type it out and I rethink the day it doesn't really sound ALL that bad- and probably like a lot of days married moms have, but here is the deal these kind of days are VERY uncommon for me and dealing with them is going to be a huge struggle. I have never been one to ask for help of any kind, just that independent feminist in me screaming to come out I guess. But I realized last night, I can not do this alone and more importantly I don't have to.

So after a much needed good nights rest, I woke up this morning kind of ashamed that I melted down like I did, and even asked both sets of my parents to help me out this week in some aspect of the kids functions, and guess what- they were thrilled I asked. If the good Lord wanted us to walk alone he would have made it that way, but when he has put BOTH sides of my family and all my extended family in the same town as me, and a HUGE support system, I would be a fool to think I had to walk this journey alone.

Yes I may look like I am losing my mind for awhile- and I probably am- but like I said to a good friend last night - "we will all be better people in the end because of this journey". And I truly believe that with my whole heart.

The Little Things

Never in my life would I realize how much I took for granted. Seriously- like sleeping through the night, yard work that I never had to do, light bulbs being changed, the garage trash being taken out, and the list goes on and on. Now don't think I was an ungrateful wife, but there were some things that he just did- like change the burned out light bulbs, and take out the trash in the garage (because really how often do I spend time in the garage?), and my most favorite- deal with the dang dogs at night.

For the first time in over 4 weeks I actually slept a solid 8 hours with zero interruptions, when I woke up at 6:30 I was in shock. Ever since he left 2 of our 3 dogs have kept me up and down all night long- my mom swears they are looking for him, I personally think they have minds like children and just wanted to see how fast they could drive me insane. But it wasn't just the dogs that kept me up, it was the heart racing fear of how I was going to do all of this alone, the deep sadness of being hurt, the awful anger, and most of all the wondering of why and how this went so wrong.

But last night I felt a tiredness that I thought I would never feel again without the aid of a sleeping pill, I crawled into my bed, fell asleep almost instantly (no heart racing anxiety!), and didn't wake up until 6:30am- all was quiet in the house.. and I took a deep breath.

As soon as I awoke that song that has the lyrics "this is where the healing begins" ran through my head, and I honestly felt like maybe just maybe the healing has started, getting proper rest is the first obstacle in this long journey. Changing out light bulbs and garage trash cans? No problem- I've got this... I never doubted that I would do fine with any of this... just am pretty sad that I have to. But in the end it will be ok- I will start the healing process (already have) and each day I will get stronger and each day I will realize I have strength and resolve I didn't have before.

With this new found 8 hours of sleep behind me today, I feel like I can take on the world- but first I will start with church- I have been missing being fed by my God and since he was so kind to bless me with such a great nights sleep- I feel inclined to return the favor today by blessing him with my thankfulness and love.

Have a great Sunday my friends- and remember "those who wait upon The Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings of eagles" Isaiah 40:31

Daddy Days and Mommy Time

I am not going to lie, I have been looking forward to today all week. This is "daddy's" day, and at first I hated them, but now I rejoice in them. I needed this day, especially after our fun filled puke night, but honestly I just needed some quiet time, so me time, and most importantly the kids need daddy time.

A lot of moms I talk to that have gone through this tell me that it was sooo hard to let their kids go with their dad, and that they constantly worried about them while they were gone. I guess this is another reason why I was lucky to have the husband that I did, he was ALWAYS a good, responsible, and caring man. He loves his kids and was a single dad himself for almost 7 years, so worrying about them while they are with him is just not an issue for me.

However, knowing that they are now doing "dad" days, instead of "family" days, is a bit disheartening, I can't believe that overnight we went from a family that does everything together, to an every other weekend parent family. Ugh.... but we are adjusting. I find it so amazing that we have been made to adjust and accept what we can not change. The hurt, betrayal, and sadness I felt in the beginning of all this is coming to a dull ache instead of a constant stab in the heart, and we are slowly adapting to this new normal.

It will never be easy to accept that we are now a split family, but I know that we are protected by the hand of God, and that he will continue to provide and show the best outcomes for our family if we continue to listen to him and follow his lead. This is not the situation I ever thought I would be in, but I am in it. So its up to all of us to either accept what it is and move forward, or be stuck in the hurt and angst of it and never move forward.

So for now, I will continue to look forward to those few hours every other week when I get some time to myself, it is what I need to rejuvenate myself to be a better mommy to my babies. And my babies need that special time with their dad, they will create bonds that they will never forget, and while I am at home recharging I hope that someday they realize that their mom and dad did the best they could for them, and will continue to do so for their entire lives.

Puke + Kids= No Sleep

One of the biggest things I was worried about happened last night, baby girl started puking at 1am and didn't stop until 5am. When my spouse left and the reality of being a single mom punched me in the gut, I worried about several things that I would be left to deal with alone, one of those things was dealing with the kids all by myself when they got sick. I can handle fevers, and colds, and "I just don't feel well", but the puke department was all my ex's deal. He did all of that, he cleaned up the mess while I took care of the kid.

So last night when I was woken up by "mommy come quick" I knew I was being put to the test in the puke department. Not only had she puked several times in her bed, on herself, and all over her pillow, but the dog got some of it as well. Ugh- keep in mind she has a bunk bed and sleeps on the top- I honestly was like "how in the ---- am I gonna get up there and clean this up". I kept thinking to myself, I can't do this, I can't do this, and the whole why me why me.... UGH

Then out of nowhere I sprang into action, get her in the shower, put the dog in with her (yes I really did that), climb up and get the nasty sheets off the bed, spray them off with the hose outside in the dark in the middle of the night, put them in the washer, get her and dog out of shower, fresh pj's, a bucket and in bed she went with me.

I seriously had strength and resolve that I didn't know I had in me, and when I laid my head down to try and get some rest before the next episode of puke began, I smiled and said "Thank you Lord, thank you for giving me the strength- the strength to do all things through you."

Its gonna be a hard long road having to do this all by myself, but I CAN DO IT. I proved it to myself last night for sure, and lots of other little things along the way. But I have AMAZING kids, I have an AMAZING support system, and most of all I have a God that is bigger then me.

Hurt, Rage, Betrayal

In the words of Taylor Swift- "We are never ever getting back together". I know God can make miracles, but in this case, I believe we area a lost cause. Certain things have come to light in the last 24 hours that have made me understand why my husband left, although the cold hard truths have brought me sadness, hurt, rage, and betrayal, in some ways all the things that were told to me provided me with some closure that I think I really needed.

That being said, a good friend said to me this last week these words, "you can let this make you cold, harden your heart, or make you bitter- or you can choose happiness, choose to open your eyes to what God has in store for you. Well I choose the latter thank you very much! I know first hand what being bitter and lost does for you, and I will not choose that for myself or my kids.

For the first time in over a month, when I woke up (at 3:30am thank you very much!) I knew I had to get a plan in place for my life, knew I had to step up and take care of me for once. Time to get a good solid plan in place for the kids as well as me, get going on this new life that we have been given.

God is not done with me yet, it may feel like it at times, but I know deep in my soul that he is the source of all good. The pain I am walking now will be nothing compared to the joy I will feel when his plan is revealed to me.

"The pain that I am feeling can't compare to the joy that is coming" Romans 8:18

Reality

Sometimes the reality of what is happening in my life is to much to bear. I will do ok and then boom it will hit me all at once. This happened last night, out of the blue I was hit with that deep sadness, a sadness that until you feel it can't really be explained. Once the shock wore off with about what had happened, the pain started to roll in hard and fast.

I fell in love with this man when I was 18 years old, and have loved him and only him my entire adult life, it is hard to just walk away from that in my mind over night. And it baffles me still how he was able to do that, some people just handle things differently I guess. I am a fixer my nature, I address the problem and then I fix it, this situation is out of my fixing control and I don't like that one bit. When David first got sick this is how I felt, there was nothing I could do but just sit and let God be in control. In some ways this situation is like that, I have to just sit back and let God do with this what he will. In the meantime though it hurts so bad, the rawness of the pain is unreal.

Last night when I was crying, literally crying out to the Lord to carry me through this, I realized that I have to heal myself, I have to heal what is broken in me, before I do that healing our marriage will be very hard to do. I know I will do what is right by the Lord, and I will try and do everything to please him, and I just have to hope in the meantime while he is working on my husband he will be open to that little voice and also be willing to fix what is going on.

In the meantime I have got to get myself pulled together, everyday I feel like I am wading through mud, I am slacking on my regular house duties, I feel like I am neglecting my kids, this awful life situation is bearing on me every second of the day, I have to find away to let God do his work while I am still trying to get through daily life. The dwelling on what is happening is getting very old very fast, and even though I am not ready to move on with my life without my husband, in some ways I do need to move on so that I can start healing.

The moving on part was the hardest part when David died, when I started to continue with daily activities and go forward with life I had the biggest guilt, it felt like if I was moving forward with life that I was forgetting about him. Later through lots of good therapy and reality I realized moving on wasn't forgetting him or making it seem like I had gotten over his death, but moving on is the way your body and emotions heal from trauma. I am going to have to grip that reality again in my new situation. There is no way I am giving up on my marriage yet, I know that God can heal a marriage, I know my God is bigger then me, but I also know that dwelling on what is happening and not moving forward in this new chapter will do nothing but make me sad, bitter, and in a way my kids would lose both parents.

So today, I am making a choice not to move on but to move forward, to let God start to heal me, let God do his work, all the while I try and discover what this new journey has in store.

Just not right

There is nothing about this whole situation that is right in any way. The sadness and yearning for my husband to be back in our lives is undeniably one of the worst feelings I have ever had. I honestly feel like I pray for hours on end every day, I know that God can heal my marriage and change my husbands heart, it is just the waiting for it to happen and if and when it will happen that is the hard part.

This man and I have been best friends for almost 20 years, we were friends before anything else, and I miss that friendship so deeply, the pain of losing the friendship is more raw then the pain of losing him as a lover and husband. He is the only man I have loved my entire adult life, and without him in my daily life I feel so lost and confused. I have never felt more lonely, even when I was by myself at Stanford with Dave, I knew he was there with me in spirit and we would talk and video chat all the time. But this, well this, is awful. His presence being gone is something that I don't know if I will ever get used to and I don't know that I want to.

I have been doing a lot of thinking on how I could have acted differently in my marriage, and I am ashamed to say I could have been a lot different on so many levels. I know they say you can look back and say "what if I this " and "what if I that". But I do, I do because I love this man with my whole heart, I miss him, and my prayer every day is that the Lord will help us find our way back to each other.

Sunday Nights

Well I made it through another weekend! Small triumphs is what is making all this manageable. I say we made it through another weekend because weekends have been the absolute hardest for not only me but the kids as well. We were a family that really did things together, right up until the weekend before he left. Movies, plays, soccer games, dinners out, movies at home, board games, and the most important- family night every Sunday.

Sunday nights are the absolute worse, because unless it was something major that came up, we always had family night. We would take turns picking something fun to do at home, a movie, a board game, play the Wii, anything that person wanted to do on family night. It has been extremely hard to get through Sunday nights. Usually my mom has us over for dinner, but even so when we get home we all just kind of look at each other like "now what". I need to make sure that I keep the tradition alive even if we are missing members of our family, I know it will be good for the kids and I know that someday they will look back and remember that.

I wish there was some sort of pill or magic wand I could use to make the pain that is so deeply etched in my soul to disappear. Sometimes I find it very hard to breathe, and Sunday nights are the worse. When a family breaks up most don't really think how hard the little things are to manage. Like Sunday nights, or sitting at the dining room table and seeing the empty chair at the head of the table, or seeing the shows on the DVR that have been recorded so you can watch them together, and lastly for me sitting on the couch when the kids go to bed at night feeling like something is missing.

A woman told me after David died that losing a child is like losing a limb, you well get through the pain and shock after a while, and you will learn to live eventually without it, but it will always be there in your mind that a part of you is missing. Well this is true in a divorce or separation, I will learn how to live without him once the pain and shock wear off, but he will always be a part of me and for a long time it will be painfully obvious that something is missing.

Jumping in the game

Every mom out there has said these words at one point in their mommy hood- "single moms I don't know how you do it". I said them myself on many occasion when my spouse had to be out of town etc. I just saw a young mom say it on Facebook just the other day. Here is why, most women are very fortunate to have a husband like I did, one that is very hands on with the kids, helps around the house, compromises so that mommy can have her own time, etc etc. My former spouse was an AMAZING father and helper husband, I mean seriously from the day they were born he helped me in any way he could all the way up to that awful morning when he left. So for me being a single mom SUCKS!! I know there are some women out there that have not and may never be as fortunate as I was in the husband/father department, and I feel really bad for them, but here is the deal in my situation- I had that pretty great husband/father combo so when he left the sting hit hard.

Seriously overnight it became 100% my job to do everything, and I still don't think I have slept more then 4 hours at a time in the last 4 weeks. You honestly don't realize how much your spouse helped you with until they are gone, you take the little things for granted, like being able to just sit down for 10 minutes, or make your bed. For me this made me sad and angry all at the same time. Sad because I had to look deep down and wonder did I ever tell my former spouse what a good helper he was or did I take that for granted that he just did and pitched in ALL the time? Well lucky for me he and I are on good terms at the moment so I felt comfortable asking him that question, phew he said he knew! Thank goodness.. but then that is when I got mad! If he knew that then how come it was so easy to leave, how come I am the one stuck doing it ALL. But here is what I learned in that instance, I can be mad at the situation I am currently in, but I refuse to poison my heart by being mad at him. Being mad at someone is like drinking poison and expecting the person you are mad at to die. (thank you pinterest for that quote:)

I have friends that have amazing helper husbands and I have friends that don't, so without me even going into detail you can tell which ones understand my current plight and which ones don't. I feel so bad for wives and mommies, always have felt bad, when they don't have helper husbands. And sometimes it is because their husband just isn't around, military, out of town work, whatever the case may be. And sometimes it is because the husbands just don't want to help or maybe they have been raised to think that is the woman's job. Whatever situation I have always felt sad for my fellow mommies, and wished it was different for them.

That being said, every one's personal journey is different, you can never compare it to your own - EVER. There may be similarities in journeys but they are never identical.

When David died there were a few catch phrases that people would say that would be just like nails on the chalkboard- you know people are being kind and they just don't know what to say in a situation like that but take it from someone who heard them, the following are phrases that you should never say to a grieving wife/mother:

"Everything happens for a reason" - yeah I know this- but hearing it doesn't make it better.

"They are in a better place" - um duh! I am a believer I know where he is but darn it I want him here!

"It gets easier over time" - although this one is a true fact when you are in the middle of it you don't care.

There are several more, but why bore you? So in the last 4 weeks I have heard the following phrases that I would highly recommend you NOT saying to a recently single parent.

"God has a plan"- I know this, I know this with my whole heart- but this plan is not mine and gosh darn God- I know better then you! LOL-

"You will get used to it "- EXCUSE ME?? Who wants to get used to being divorced and being a single mom?? Not me.. sorry

"Now you know how I feel" - coming from anyone, even a fellow SP (single parent) this is hard to take, but when someone that is MARRIED still and has a husband/father- this is not a good thing to say.

And my personal favorite that really pertains to my situation right now-
"Well you know statistically when a couple loses a child their marriage ends"- SERIOUSLY like 5 people have said that to me... Who cares about statistics - NOT ME.

Bottom line in regards to this not so short and sweet post- being a single parent is hard, single mom single dad, whatever, it is hard. It is not the same as having a spouse that just doesn't help you as often as you like, it is worse. You are 100% on your own 24 hours a day 7 days a week- as a single parent you are shouldering ALL the responsibilities of not only your kids but the home etc etc..

We were not built for this my friends, single parenthood was not part of God's plan, his plan was a man and a woman raising a family together. That stinking Eve and her apple desire made single parenthood an issue, so I will just add this on my list of things to talk to that Eve about when I meet her in heaven... but for now- stay on your knees, pray for all the single parents out there, because it is hard work, and for the moms that say that famous "single moms I don't know how you do it" I pray with my whole heart that you never have to find out.

The truth is out....

So just a little less then a month ago my world was turned upside down.. AGAIN. Apparently God thinks I am a bad A-- because he keeps giving me stuff to handle that I am pretty sure I can't handle. Ok- back to my world turning upside down- After 17 years of marriage, my marriage has ended, yep you read that right. But in order to maintain some decorum and privacy, I will not go in to details about how or why this came about- and lets just squelch the rumors now- there was not "someone" else on either part. Why is it that we always go there? Anywho back to my point- my marriage ended.. wow for almost 4 weeks I say that phrase over and over in my head hoping for it to sink in but it still has not.

Back to this blog and the reason for it, I have always found writing very therapeutic for me, as a lot of you well know if you followed my blog during David's journey (www.ourboydave.blogspot.com). Not going to lie the last 4 weeks have been some of the toughest weeks of my life, and in that I found some relief in writing out my feelings, my anger, and some humor. A good friend suggested I start a blog on this "new" life- so that maybe in turn it would help others out there. If nothing else it will help me, sort of a not so private journal in which maybe some healing will start. So if you like my posts feel free to follow me- but if you don't well then, don't follow me.

So back to the truth and it being out. At first I told no one what had happened, seriously I told like my 5 closest friends and my family. It was awful- I felt like a failure, I felt insecure, I felt I felt I felt... I was numb but yet I still felt--- weird. But what was the weirdest and what I didn't expect is how closely the pain would mirror when David died. I mean it was like reliving it all over again, the pressure in my chest, the nausea in the pit of my stomach, and the numbness. Slowly I got up the courage to tell others, I mean really, people do start to notice when your husband isn't around anymore. The hardest part was saying those words.. "I'm getting a divorce".. kind of like saying "our son died". Neither of those phrases ever get easier- no matter how many times you say them. Trust me on this- I know.

And then came the wave of people out of the woodwork- the gossips (you know the ones- they don't really care about you they just care what happened to you), then there was the "I'm here for you if you need me" people (again the ones that say it but don't really want to help so they secretly hope you never call them), and then lastly the people that stick by your side no matter what. Again, this wave of people aren't much different then when you lose a close member of your family- we had the same wave when Dave died.

The problem is it is really hard to gauge a persons sincerity in these moments, because honestly you aren't thinking right- its hard not to take comments and questions personally- because the floor has just dropped out beneath your life. Believe me I lost plenty of friends when David died- because I wasn't the "same person anymore" and I "treated people differently"- well in this case the same thing started happening. When you are going through something as immense as a divorce of a marriage or a death of a child the bottom line is you really aren't thinking about anyone else- but yourself, and I see nothing wrong with that.  As a mother my instant reaction is to protect my babies from anyone who will harm them with gossip and unkind words. But as a woman, as a sister in the womanhood, all I wanted was someone to hold me while I cried and let me hit something really hard. Luckily I have a few that came to my aid with both of those things- and without ever asking my permission- they just showed up. Ironically the same women that were by my side every step of the way when David died have also been by my side through this- tragedy- no matter what it is- shows your real character. A sad but very true fact.

So the truth is out... I am getting a divorce...

The truth is out... I will get through this and so will my kids because through the wave of people we have some pretty darn good ones by our side....

The truth is out.... I am and will be a slamming kick ass Single Mom....

*** stay tuned for tomorrows post on actually being a single mom***