Not so perfect life

For the last couple of days I have had this odd feeling about me. I haven't been able to put my finger on it, thought it could be a feeling of various things, but just now as I climbed into bed it hit me- it is the feeling of content. Talk about a shocker-in no way do I think I should be feeling content. But I do.

Now I am not saying that I am in any way finally happy with my new life situation or that I am glad things are the way they are- but I am saying that I am finally feeling some peace, and that is huge.

The kids and I are finally getting a routine down, I have finished another successful year at work, I have some fun summer plans to look forward to, my ex and I are getting along quite fantastically, and well things seem ok at the moment.

I am hoping that this feeling of content is the road to feeling healing, and maybe even at some point a reconciliation, but no matter what I am glad for this peace that I am finally feeling.

For the first time in months I am feeling like I have a handle on my life, feeling like no matter what I am going to be ok, and feeling like my life is back on some sort o track.

This new life is far from perfect, but it is my new life- and I will take the little blessings one at a time- and I will gladly accept this feeling of content- because today it will do.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Mom Scoreboard

I have had some EXCELLENT single mom moments this week, and I have to say I really feel like I am finally getting a handle on it. As I said before though, summer will now come and all my securities will probably be shot to heck... LOL

Score #1- Telling them who's boss....

I have had a really hard time finding the balance between I am the mom and I am the pushover when it comes to this divorce and the kids. When you are in this situation it is tricky because you really don't want what is happening between you and dad to affect them anymore then it already has. And in this regard the subject of chores has been a touchy issue in our house. My EX was very handy around the home and I really never had to do any of the "outside" stuff and the kids really had to do minimal. So after a few months of the outside getting pretty neglected I have had to enlist the kids to help out. And I immediately had this phrase thrown at me: "Why do we have to do extra chores when it is YOU AND DAD splitting up, its not our fault." Well, the mother in me, the protector in me, instantly said "You are right." But then the wise person that sometimes lives with in me spoke up.

No, its not their fault, and this situation sucks eggs big time, but the reality is this is our life now, and what favors would I be doing for them if I fed into that belief? So I sat them both down and told them just that. I told them it is awful that this is happening, its not fun that all of us have to pull extra weight- but here is the deal- you can take this situation and be mad and refuse to help and stomp your feet and say 'its not fair' your whole life, or you can take this situation and let it make you a better stronger person.

Score #2- Teenager Angst

My soon to be 14 year old boy was having some major attitude growing pains this past week, Thursday I believe. He was making life pretty miserable that morning and it was taking some serious constraint to keep it together on my end. When he walked out back to feed the dogs I followed him to the door and... I locked him out. Yes I did that... I had to diffuse the volatile situation we were quickly getting into. He stared at me through the glass and was less then pleased.. I told him "change your tude and tell me I am the best mom ever and I will let you in." Well, long story short the whole situation got him laughing, he told me the words I needed to hear, he was allowed back in the house and the situation was so much calmer and handled in a much nicer way.

Score #3- Slave Day

Back to referencing Score #1, we had some major work to do around this house. So this past Saturday I rallied the troops, gave them another brief reminder of what we talked about earlier in the week and as a family of 3 we got the outside and inside of the house looking pretty amazing. Oh don't get me wrong, there was complaining, and I had to use a water bottle to get them out of bed. But in the end we all pulled together and did it.

Score #4 - Validation

It is no secret that I feel like I am doing everything wrong in the single mom life, that I honestly feel that between the death of their brother and the divorce of their parents my kids are pretty screwed. I feel like my soon to be teenage daughter and I fight ALL the time, I feel broken and weak, and I feel like I am just not coping. Well, this week at Open House in my daughters classroom these words were in front of me that my daughter wrote "My greatest hero is my mom." Yep, I cried like a flipping baby right there in the 6th grade classroom. I realized right then and there that no matter what, I am an example to my kids, and they are watching me always.

FINAL SCORE- KIDS 0 MOM 4

Yeah I am feeling pretty good right now, so bring on that summer vacation because I have some tricks up my sleeve I can't wait to use and judging by the scoreboard, I think I will rock this.

Getting a Groove

I think I can finally say I am getting my "groove", and now that I say that out loud, I will probably lose it! HA! The kids and I finally have some sort of routine down every day and we are making it through each day a little easier, and each day seems to come a little more naturally. I hate that this is all feeling a bit more normal, that just doesn't seem right to me, but it is what it is. Now that we have this routine down summer will be here and we will have to start all over- LOL!

The problem with routines though is that still in the back of your mind know that something is missing, and it takes a while to get over that feeling. I know for a long time after our son died I just kept feeling like something was missing, and it was him... sad as it is to say, it does get to feeling quite normal after a while. And it is starting to feel like that now with my husband gone, we are all getting into a routine without him, and I know he is settling quite nicely into his own bachelor life, which my feelings on that is for another post on another day.

So getting my groove back, I am getting a pretty solid 6 hours of sleep each night, dinner is being made almost every night (real dinner not cereal), chores are getting done by all of us, activities are being checked off, there has been less screaming at each other, and all in all things are settling down. Am I still feeling very alone, totally- but again- that is for me to figure out. Baby steps! For now I am happy for the accomplishments that the kids and I have done so far and the ones I have listed are huge in my opinion!

I know I can do this, even though some days (and nights) I really feel like I can't and I just want to bury my head in the sand, but I know in the end I can and will do this- on my own. I have amazing kids that keep me going every single day, that right there is enough in itself to keep me going.

So all in all for now this single mommy is getting her groove back.... did I ever have a groove in the first place? Who knows? I have one now though:)

Mothers Day

Single mom or not Mother's Day is a day to be celebrated because if you are living and breathing it is because a woman out there cared enough to keep you alive. Even if the mother that raised you isn't your biological mother you are here today because a woman gave you life.

The first Mother's Day after my son died it was really hard because I was conflicted- I needed to celebrate the day still with my other kids but one of my babies was missing. But, that first year my husband made it so nice. He took us all into the city to see a play, we had a fun dinner, and that was the night we decided to start my business. It was like that was my Mother's Day gift from my late son.

Flash forward 3 years later (has it only been 3 years??!!) and now I am less a child and a husband. I was very sad to see this Mother's Day approach, but never fear I have amazing kids. After being gifted with chocolate covered strawberries, homemade trinkets, and plants for my yard, I was told we were picking up Grandma and spending the day at the beach! Like I said- amazing kids.

Needless to say, this was the best day I have had in the last 2 months. I spent the whole day breathing in the ocean air with my babies, my mom, and a very active dog. I watched the waves, I let the stress leave my body, and I said to myself "let it go".

Here's the deal folks- life is hard- everyday I pray for healing, everyday I pray for more examples of the Lords handiwork in my life. Today it was loud and clear- through my marriage (no matter what the end result was) he gave me 3 beautiful children- I became a mother due to my marriage. Because of my marriage and those children I got to experience motherhood - one of the biggest blessings and greatest jobs on this earth.

You are here today because of a mother, you are the person you are today because of a mother, remember that- love her, thank her, and be a better person because of her. Happy Mother's Day.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Being Alone

You adjust to being alone, its a hard adjustment, but you do it. Oh I know what you are going to say, "but you have your kids". Although this is true, they aren't my friends, my companions, my supporters, my lovers, my confidants, my one true loves, my... you get the drift. I have worked very well through the sad, the hurt, the anger, the overwhelming mad, and that I can't breath grief. And even though at times that still hits me out of nowhere, it is getting better each day, slowly I am climbing out of that hole in which I was living with those things. And now the lonely has hit, the fact that I am all by myself in my life. And that is hard. I asked a really good friend who lost her husband almost 4 years ago how I deal with this and her exact words were " You put on your big girl panties and you deal with it, this is your new life now." At first I was shocked at her extreme bluntness, but the reality is this, no one is going to hold my hand through this new life, I have to learn how to do this by myself, have to learn how to conquer the alone by myself. Another good friend that lost her husband about a year ago told me to have some tools on hand to get me out of those depths of lonely, things that would snap me out of the lonely funks. It helps having others in my corner that have gone through this, because unless you have, honestly you don't know what this is like.

Some of you want to know how I am doing. Here is the deal, some days are good, some days are bad, and some days I don't want to get out of bed. Honestly, the good days are finally out weighing the bad days, but the reality of my life is becoming, well, a reality. I wake up everyday at 5am and I do not stop until at least 10pm every night, and in between those hours it is ALL ME, all day everyday. In those hours I am being mom, dad, business owner, homemaker, cook, cleaner, laundry lady, plant water person, dog puker cleaner upper, bill payer, maintenance lady, car maintenance lady, and everything else in between. I know a lot of other women out there that have to do a lot of this on their own because hubbies are gone a lot or maybe out of town all week, but in reality at some point in your life that hubby will be there to hold your hand, take your face in their hands, and look at you in the eyes and say "I love you, I support you, let me help you". I miss that, I crave that again, and I can't wait until that is back in my life.

I miss sitting next to someone on the couch and just knowing that they are there, not even having to talk, just feeling their physical presence. I miss going to the movies, coffee, perusing book stores, holding hands while walking, I miss coming home and being told "lets go grab a bite", and I miss that body next to mine in bed at night. I miss someone else doing the dishes, someone else working on homework, someone else listening to the kids scream, someone else taking the trash out, and I miss someone making sure that I locked everything up at night because I always forget.

It sucks being alone, and friends are great, but they all have their own families, kids, and lives. I have to figure out how to do this alone, and I know I will figure it out, and it will be OK in the end, and I will probably make a lot of mistakes and have a lot of meltdowns and tears between now and then. But I do know I will be a better stronger person in the end because of it. I also know that there is someone terrific waiting for me at the end of all this, that the good Lord is preparing a man for me and is preparing me for a man at the end of all this. I know I won't be alone forever, I know that this lonely will pass, but for now the lonely is hard.

Examples

Back in September my ex bought us season tickets to this wonderful little musical theater company up in Davis. It is a great little place, the actors are incredible, and I really look forward to their productions every 6 weeks. Well of course last night was the first production since he left and of course it just had to be one of my favorites, "Oklahoma!". I just couldn't miss it! I had so many emotions going on- sad because I didn't want to miss it because it was my favorite, sad because I knew if I sat in our seats I would think of them as "our" seats and remember the other productions we sat through together, mad that he would possibly cause me to miss my favorite production, and well just MAD!

Of course everyone I asked had plans for the night, and then I decided to take my 11 year old daughter. I was around the same age when I saw it for the first time, and she is really beginning to take an interest in the theater. So I asked her if she would like to go, she said yes and away we went. It is about a 45 min drive to the playhouse from where we live, and in that time she talked my ear off in a way she hasn't in weeks. Talked to me about things I know she wouldn't have if we were just at home, she smiled, I smiled, and I just enjoyed my time with her.

My heart caught a little when we sat in our seats, but it settled down when I saw her face light up as Curly started singing "Oh what a beautiful morning". She smiled through the whole thing and most of all I really enjoyed myself with her. Was it hard being there for the first time without my husband- OF COURSE. But it was incredible making this new memory with my daughter.

I want my kids to look back at this time in our lives and remember their mom as being strong and doing the best she could. Yes it is ok to see me break down now and again, I believe they need to see that so that they know that is ok too- but I want them to know that when something like this happens you don't just curl up in a ball and let the world eat you, you go out there and you survive. I want them to see that is what I did, I did whatever I did to survive. As much as it hurt, as much as I wanted to curl up in a ball, as much as I wanted to let the world continue on without me, there is no way I can or will let that happen.

My kids need to see what a strong, powerful, beautiful, faithful,and loving woman looks like. My son needs to see it so he knows what to look for when choosing a wife, my daughter needs to see it so she can live my by example. Examples.... we are living them every single day no matter what our life circumstances are.

There is a reason....

Never did I think it would be possible to be this tired again! I mean I am as tired as I was when I was a new mom, like new born baby tired. You know what I am talking about- those first few months of life when you don't know how you even functioned or how you even took care of the other children if you had them you were THAT tired. Yep that is how tired I am. And its not due to lack of sleep either, thankfully the dogs are finally sleeping through the night. Its because I am seriously on the move from 5am until 10pm every single day with NO help what so ever, and we are a busy little family. Man oh Man.

A friend recently told me that I needed to TELL my family members that lived close by that they needed to help me more, that it was their duty to help me now. See, I have a problem with that. Sure, I have no problem asking for help now and again if I need help with a pick up or if I really can't be in 2 places at once, etc etc. But the bottom line is THEY are my kids, this is MY family, and all this is MY responsibility. It may come down to the fact that we may have to make some adjustments to schedules or cut some things out to make things manageable, but it really is not my parents or my siblings responsibility or obligation to be running my kids around because all of a sudden I am a single mom. Besides they do still have a dad! And he is helping out too when he is willing and able!

Bottom line is this my fellow moms, there is a reason why WE are the mommies! LOL... there is a reason why we are the ones that are the sleep deprived during infancy, a reason why we are the ones they cry out to when they are scared, a reason why we are called "the helper" in the bible, and the reason why we can juggle all those balls in the air at one time... Because we are MOMS... we are awesome... and I may not have this single mom gig down pat yet, and I may be tired as all get out, but I know one thing for sure- I wouldn't trade this gig or this tiredness for one less day with these babies for anything... I love my kids and one day they will look back and know that everything I did, everything I gave up, every struggle I and they went through, was for the good, and for the glory of God, and all of us will be stronger because of it.

So no I will not TELL my extended family that they need to pick up the slack, this is my family, and we will work it out, we have a big God behind us, and yes I know they will help us and they are more then willing to help us when we ask, but we have to figure this new life out on our own as well. And we can do and we will do it and we will do it with the amazing SUPPORT of that family.