Let the light in

I haven't blogged in months, and I almost decided not to because, well.. we will get to that in a minute. But honestly in the last few weeks all these thoughts have been thrown at me and I have just felt like I need to share them.This was confirmed last night when I heard a very amazing singer say, "Our brokenness and our pain, could very well be someone else's healing and comfort." This was an aha moment for me I guess you could say.

The last several months have been some of the darkest moments in my life, I got sucked into that dark so fast and it has taken quite some time to climb out of it. All I have been doing is dwelling on all that I have lost in the last 4 years, the loss of my son, the loss of the time I had with my other kids when he was sick, the loss of friends that I lost when my son died, the loss of family members, and then I would get sucked into the loss of the last 6 months. The loss of my marriage, the loss of my job, the loss of many friends over the past 6 months, the loss of my friendship I had with my spouse, and the list goes on and on. It was very easy for me to just get sucked into the loss of my life, and not be able to focus on what I haven't lost.

I will be the first to admit right here and now that I have been living such a drama, woe as me life for the last 6 months that it is no wonder that a few of my friends basically said " I don't have time for this, so see ya". At first my anger about that was, well let's just say, not healthy in any way. But then these past 6-8 weeks as I have come out of the dark place, I realize that I had a huge part in them pulling away. I was so focused on what I didn't have and how no one could possibly understand what I was going through that I quit focusing on what I did have and how these people in my life could help me through the hard time no matter if they understood or not.

Sparing you the gruesome details of how the Lord literally threw me on my knees and revealed my selfish, dark behavior to me, I will just say that it was a battle that I hope I never have to have with him again. But when that battle was over I emerged someone I thought was long gone. The first thing I did was call a friend I had met earlier this year who runs an amazing Christian Preschool and asked her for a job. She hired me on the spot as a call in sub, and keeps me busy probably 16-20 hours a week. Satan wants us lonely, dark, and afraid my friends, he loves it when we are there. It is when he can attack us at his full strength, he makes us think that no one is for us, that everyone is against us. He has the power to turn our own good thoughts against us, he has the power to make dark out of what little light is shining in our lives. It is up to US not to give him that power, that is easier said then done, but I KNOW it is possible.

The next thing I did was start visiting a new church that some previous parents had told me about, that was the best thing I have done in the last 6 months. I was welcomed with open arms from a pastor and congregation that love me and accept me no matter my faults or "divorced" status. Knowing that I am sitting amongst people that look at me with love instead of pity is a huge thing for me on Sunday mornings.

Then I made a new "schedule" for the kids and I, this was amazing and it has been working for the last 6-8 weeks so well. I will share this in a future blog post, its nothing huge but sometimes it is just finding the little things that work. This new schedule has made our lives so much easier and less hectic. Along with the new schedule I put my foot down with my ex and told him he had to start taking the kids every other weekend and once during the week. He agreed no problem, and even though I hate that this is our new schedule in life, I cherish the me time so much.

Finally, I accepted this new me. I prayed and I still pray every day for the Lords constant love to fill my heart with everything I do. I accepted that this is happening to me, and it may very well suck, but for whatever reason the Lord asked me to walk it, and I need to do so in a way that will glorify him. I fill my days with laughter, books that will uplift my heart, people that will encourage me, and a sense of peace that I didn't have before.

I truly hope that someday the people that I was nasty to in those dark hours will forgive me and come back into my life, I have no excuse for my actions, but it is what it is, and I am sorry for the hurt I caused when I felt the world was all about me. But that is the best part of being a Christian, I can stand in the mirror and say "boy did I blow that and I am truly sorry" and I know that my Savior will wrap his arms around me and say "child I forgive you and I love you". That is what has gotten me past the dark days, that is what brought me into the light, knowing that I have a Father in Heaven that loves me no matter what, is there for me no matter what, and will never ever leave me or forsake me.

"You are my lamp, O LORD; the LORD turns my darkness into light." 2 Samuel 22:29