Being Alone

You adjust to being alone, its a hard adjustment, but you do it. Oh I know what you are going to say, "but you have your kids". Although this is true, they aren't my friends, my companions, my supporters, my lovers, my confidants, my one true loves, my... you get the drift. I have worked very well through the sad, the hurt, the anger, the overwhelming mad, and that I can't breath grief. And even though at times that still hits me out of nowhere, it is getting better each day, slowly I am climbing out of that hole in which I was living with those things. And now the lonely has hit, the fact that I am all by myself in my life. And that is hard. I asked a really good friend who lost her husband almost 4 years ago how I deal with this and her exact words were " You put on your big girl panties and you deal with it, this is your new life now." At first I was shocked at her extreme bluntness, but the reality is this, no one is going to hold my hand through this new life, I have to learn how to do this by myself, have to learn how to conquer the alone by myself. Another good friend that lost her husband about a year ago told me to have some tools on hand to get me out of those depths of lonely, things that would snap me out of the lonely funks. It helps having others in my corner that have gone through this, because unless you have, honestly you don't know what this is like.

Some of you want to know how I am doing. Here is the deal, some days are good, some days are bad, and some days I don't want to get out of bed. Honestly, the good days are finally out weighing the bad days, but the reality of my life is becoming, well, a reality. I wake up everyday at 5am and I do not stop until at least 10pm every night, and in between those hours it is ALL ME, all day everyday. In those hours I am being mom, dad, business owner, homemaker, cook, cleaner, laundry lady, plant water person, dog puker cleaner upper, bill payer, maintenance lady, car maintenance lady, and everything else in between. I know a lot of other women out there that have to do a lot of this on their own because hubbies are gone a lot or maybe out of town all week, but in reality at some point in your life that hubby will be there to hold your hand, take your face in their hands, and look at you in the eyes and say "I love you, I support you, let me help you". I miss that, I crave that again, and I can't wait until that is back in my life.

I miss sitting next to someone on the couch and just knowing that they are there, not even having to talk, just feeling their physical presence. I miss going to the movies, coffee, perusing book stores, holding hands while walking, I miss coming home and being told "lets go grab a bite", and I miss that body next to mine in bed at night. I miss someone else doing the dishes, someone else working on homework, someone else listening to the kids scream, someone else taking the trash out, and I miss someone making sure that I locked everything up at night because I always forget.

It sucks being alone, and friends are great, but they all have their own families, kids, and lives. I have to figure out how to do this alone, and I know I will figure it out, and it will be OK in the end, and I will probably make a lot of mistakes and have a lot of meltdowns and tears between now and then. But I do know I will be a better stronger person in the end because of it. I also know that there is someone terrific waiting for me at the end of all this, that the good Lord is preparing a man for me and is preparing me for a man at the end of all this. I know I won't be alone forever, I know that this lonely will pass, but for now the lonely is hard.