Sanity

I seriously took my sanity for granted before all this happened, really I am not joking. I used to be a normal wife and mom that owned a business, worked part time at it, was involved in the Parent Teacher Club, shuffled the kids around, the house was always clean, and dinner was on the table every night. I am no longer that person- I mean honestly I think I scare people when they see me coming- I must have that wild insane look in my eye.

Now we are lucky we are all matching and wearing shoes when we leave the house in the morning, thankfully I have two very capable employees that are keeping my business afloat while I lose my mind, my car looks like we live in it, I swear the Parent Club president and my co leader of the Drama Club are going to ban me from the school, the house is anything BUT clean, and dinner- HAHA.. does cereal count?

Keeping it together is harder then one thinks, and I used to think I could juggle quite a few balls in the air. Now I am not only juggling balls, but also knives and fire sticks! Yesterday was a full 14 hours of insane, I left the house at 6:45am and was not home until well after 8pm. What.the.heck. My ex husband tells me that the kids are "too involved" and "I make too much work for myself". Funny he never said that when he was reaping the benefits of being part of our household! Ugh- frustrating.

Last night in the shower I had a nervous breakdown- no really I did- for some odd reason I look totally normal today so people don't believe me when I say that. So close your eyes and picture this- I leave at 6:45 for work, right when I get ready to leave baby girl starts puking again (awesome), get her set up for care in the car on my way to work, get to work and actually teach and appear to be productive, leave work and run errands (my family tends to need things like milk and toilet paper), got to a MUCH needed therapist appt, then go to a doctors appt for myself, then race to pick up my baby boy to take him to a 1 1/2 hour piano lesson, then rush to a planned dinner (and honestly I was glad I didn't have to cook!) come home and fight with baby girl about doing her homework that she has missed from being sick, fight with dogs, go through the mail, and when I say fight with baby girl I mean screaming, yelling, "you hate me", fighting- she is pre teen after all. I finally say at 9:15- I need 10 min in the shower and the whole time I am in the shower I hear them fighting with each other. That's when the dam broke- I couldn't hold it in any longer.

Here's the thing, when I type it out and I rethink the day it doesn't really sound ALL that bad- and probably like a lot of days married moms have, but here is the deal these kind of days are VERY uncommon for me and dealing with them is going to be a huge struggle. I have never been one to ask for help of any kind, just that independent feminist in me screaming to come out I guess. But I realized last night, I can not do this alone and more importantly I don't have to.

So after a much needed good nights rest, I woke up this morning kind of ashamed that I melted down like I did, and even asked both sets of my parents to help me out this week in some aspect of the kids functions, and guess what- they were thrilled I asked. If the good Lord wanted us to walk alone he would have made it that way, but when he has put BOTH sides of my family and all my extended family in the same town as me, and a HUGE support system, I would be a fool to think I had to walk this journey alone.

Yes I may look like I am losing my mind for awhile- and I probably am- but like I said to a good friend last night - "we will all be better people in the end because of this journey". And I truly believe that with my whole heart.