So just a little less then a month ago my world was turned upside down.. AGAIN. Apparently God thinks I am a bad A-- because he keeps giving me stuff to handle that I am pretty sure I can't handle. Ok- back to my world turning upside down- After 17 years of marriage, my marriage has ended, yep you read that right. But in order to maintain some decorum and privacy, I will not go in to details about how or why this came about- and lets just squelch the rumors now- there was not "someone" else on either part. Why is it that we always go there? Anywho back to my point- my marriage ended.. wow for almost 4 weeks I say that phrase over and over in my head hoping for it to sink in but it still has not.
Back to this blog and the reason for it, I have always found writing very therapeutic for me, as a lot of you well know if you followed my blog during David's journey (www.ourboydave.blogspot.com). Not going to lie the last 4 weeks have been some of the toughest weeks of my life, and in that I found some relief in writing out my feelings, my anger, and some humor. A good friend suggested I start a blog on this "new" life- so that maybe in turn it would help others out there. If nothing else it will help me, sort of a not so private journal in which maybe some healing will start. So if you like my posts feel free to follow me- but if you don't well then, don't follow me.
So back to the truth and it being out. At first I told no one what had happened, seriously I told like my 5 closest friends and my family. It was awful- I felt like a failure, I felt insecure, I felt I felt I felt... I was numb but yet I still felt--- weird. But what was the weirdest and what I didn't expect is how closely the pain would mirror when David died. I mean it was like reliving it all over again, the pressure in my chest, the nausea in the pit of my stomach, and the numbness. Slowly I got up the courage to tell others, I mean really, people do start to notice when your husband isn't around anymore. The hardest part was saying those words.. "I'm getting a divorce".. kind of like saying "our son died". Neither of those phrases ever get easier- no matter how many times you say them. Trust me on this- I know.
And then came the wave of people out of the woodwork- the gossips (you know the ones- they don't really care about you they just care what happened to you), then there was the "I'm here for you if you need me" people (again the ones that say it but don't really want to help so they secretly hope you never call them), and then lastly the people that stick by your side no matter what. Again, this wave of people aren't much different then when you lose a close member of your family- we had the same wave when Dave died.
The problem is it is really hard to gauge a persons sincerity in these moments, because honestly you aren't thinking right- its hard not to take comments and questions personally- because the floor has just dropped out beneath your life. Believe me I lost plenty of friends when David died- because I wasn't the "same person anymore" and I "treated people differently"- well in this case the same thing started happening. When you are going through something as immense as a divorce of a marriage or a death of a child the bottom line is you really aren't thinking about anyone else- but yourself, and I see nothing wrong with that. As a mother my instant reaction is to protect my babies from anyone who will harm them with gossip and unkind words. But as a woman, as a sister in the womanhood, all I wanted was someone to hold me while I cried and let me hit something really hard. Luckily I have a few that came to my aid with both of those things- and without ever asking my permission- they just showed up. Ironically the same women that were by my side every step of the way when David died have also been by my side through this- tragedy- no matter what it is- shows your real character. A sad but very true fact.
So the truth is out... I am getting a divorce...
The truth is out... I will get through this and so will my kids because through the wave of people we have some pretty darn good ones by our side....
The truth is out.... I am and will be a slamming kick ass Single Mom....
*** stay tuned for tomorrows post on actually being a single mom***
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