There is nothing about this whole situation that is right in any way. The sadness and yearning for my husband to be back in our lives is undeniably one of the worst feelings I have ever had. I honestly feel like I pray for hours on end every day, I know that God can heal my marriage and change my husbands heart, it is just the waiting for it to happen and if and when it will happen that is the hard part.
This man and I have been best friends for almost 20 years, we were friends before anything else, and I miss that friendship so deeply, the pain of losing the friendship is more raw then the pain of losing him as a lover and husband. He is the only man I have loved my entire adult life, and without him in my daily life I feel so lost and confused. I have never felt more lonely, even when I was by myself at Stanford with Dave, I knew he was there with me in spirit and we would talk and video chat all the time. But this, well this, is awful. His presence being gone is something that I don't know if I will ever get used to and I don't know that I want to.
I have been doing a lot of thinking on how I could have acted differently in my marriage, and I am ashamed to say I could have been a lot different on so many levels. I know they say you can look back and say "what if I this " and "what if I that". But I do, I do because I love this man with my whole heart, I miss him, and my prayer every day is that the Lord will help us find our way back to each other.
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