Sunday Nights

Well I made it through another weekend! Small triumphs is what is making all this manageable. I say we made it through another weekend because weekends have been the absolute hardest for not only me but the kids as well. We were a family that really did things together, right up until the weekend before he left. Movies, plays, soccer games, dinners out, movies at home, board games, and the most important- family night every Sunday.

Sunday nights are the absolute worse, because unless it was something major that came up, we always had family night. We would take turns picking something fun to do at home, a movie, a board game, play the Wii, anything that person wanted to do on family night. It has been extremely hard to get through Sunday nights. Usually my mom has us over for dinner, but even so when we get home we all just kind of look at each other like "now what". I need to make sure that I keep the tradition alive even if we are missing members of our family, I know it will be good for the kids and I know that someday they will look back and remember that.

I wish there was some sort of pill or magic wand I could use to make the pain that is so deeply etched in my soul to disappear. Sometimes I find it very hard to breathe, and Sunday nights are the worse. When a family breaks up most don't really think how hard the little things are to manage. Like Sunday nights, or sitting at the dining room table and seeing the empty chair at the head of the table, or seeing the shows on the DVR that have been recorded so you can watch them together, and lastly for me sitting on the couch when the kids go to bed at night feeling like something is missing.

A woman told me after David died that losing a child is like losing a limb, you well get through the pain and shock after a while, and you will learn to live eventually without it, but it will always be there in your mind that a part of you is missing. Well this is true in a divorce or separation, I will learn how to live without him once the pain and shock wear off, but he will always be a part of me and for a long time it will be painfully obvious that something is missing.