Reality

Sometimes the reality of what is happening in my life is to much to bear. I will do ok and then boom it will hit me all at once. This happened last night, out of the blue I was hit with that deep sadness, a sadness that until you feel it can't really be explained. Once the shock wore off with about what had happened, the pain started to roll in hard and fast.

I fell in love with this man when I was 18 years old, and have loved him and only him my entire adult life, it is hard to just walk away from that in my mind over night. And it baffles me still how he was able to do that, some people just handle things differently I guess. I am a fixer my nature, I address the problem and then I fix it, this situation is out of my fixing control and I don't like that one bit. When David first got sick this is how I felt, there was nothing I could do but just sit and let God be in control. In some ways this situation is like that, I have to just sit back and let God do with this what he will. In the meantime though it hurts so bad, the rawness of the pain is unreal.

Last night when I was crying, literally crying out to the Lord to carry me through this, I realized that I have to heal myself, I have to heal what is broken in me, before I do that healing our marriage will be very hard to do. I know I will do what is right by the Lord, and I will try and do everything to please him, and I just have to hope in the meantime while he is working on my husband he will be open to that little voice and also be willing to fix what is going on.

In the meantime I have got to get myself pulled together, everyday I feel like I am wading through mud, I am slacking on my regular house duties, I feel like I am neglecting my kids, this awful life situation is bearing on me every second of the day, I have to find away to let God do his work while I am still trying to get through daily life. The dwelling on what is happening is getting very old very fast, and even though I am not ready to move on with my life without my husband, in some ways I do need to move on so that I can start healing.

The moving on part was the hardest part when David died, when I started to continue with daily activities and go forward with life I had the biggest guilt, it felt like if I was moving forward with life that I was forgetting about him. Later through lots of good therapy and reality I realized moving on wasn't forgetting him or making it seem like I had gotten over his death, but moving on is the way your body and emotions heal from trauma. I am going to have to grip that reality again in my new situation. There is no way I am giving up on my marriage yet, I know that God can heal a marriage, I know my God is bigger then me, but I also know that dwelling on what is happening and not moving forward in this new chapter will do nothing but make me sad, bitter, and in a way my kids would lose both parents.

So today, I am making a choice not to move on but to move forward, to let God start to heal me, let God do his work, all the while I try and discover what this new journey has in store.